Yesterday Steve and I reacted to each other and I behaved like an ass. Later I went to my room, shut the door and cried. Lots. How can I care so much about how I behave and then behave so carelessly? I felt the feeling of being totally utterly trapped. The only option is to walk the line. And the line feels like it's on fire! As my eyes got tired out I saw a golden circle that radiated, superimposed within the Angel. And with the Angel was a moving tide... beside it rose a funeral procession akin to this for Phillipe Pot, Duke of Burgundy. Two crows looped around the Angel and parted: one to the sky, the other to the underworld. Is funny these days- there's a weirdness that gives me peace. An intensity, a gripping-at-the-throat-choking by the Hounds of Love.
This painting is darker than my recent stuff. Thank God, I'm glad I can finally paint this way. Last night we had a really special dinner at Anne's house with dear friends. Here we are:
Amazing company! When we came home I danced a little bit in the bathroom, then went to bed. And what before my eyes should appear but... more crazy images! Dancing men in blue and legions upon legions of yelling people. There was a peace to their total wildness. There were more visceral things I could see- more people that were... if they were in a movie they'd be that thing in The Mummy that comes back to life. Just- really intense. Normally I'd respond to a presence like that saying, "Okay thanks! Go away now!" But... do you feel what I mean- saying that the veil is softening? That the skin between the muscle/bone and the fluttering breeze is thinning? It's as if even these ghosts of blood lust housing every earthen quake possible in their sinews have just as much an etheric right as any other being. I tell myself, "Do not lose your focus. The game is so on." That's partially why there is a golden compass over His left eye.
Maybe s/he's not Lucifer anymore. I'm don't really know who it is!